Tuesday, July 7, 2009

a tougher than expected home stretch

When we got the news that the chemo was successful and that I would do some radiation to make sure the tumor wouldn't come back, I think we thought the hardest part of the journey was behind us. Two forces have come into play, however, that have made it seem anything but easier.

The first - we let down. We hadn't realized it, but we had girded ourselves for a tough journey, and when it seemed the end was near, we relaxed our emotional grip on life. It was in this place of emotional safety that we began to realize that we are pretty worn out. We are tired. I am going to work but finding myself doing a lot of staring at the wall. Casey often dreads the daily duties of motherhood. It makes sense that we would feel this way and just need a little time to get back to even keel.

BUT - I guess we underestimated radiation a little bit. In response to our new found weariness, we hastily planned a trip to the mountains in an attempt for needed restoration. But my compromised lungs couldn't take the elevation, so our trip consisted of one 7 hour drive, one scary mid-night ER visit, one 7 hour drive home. We had let our guard down and really weren't prepared for this. It was very discouraging, but as a family we looked at Psalm 22 and talked about how we turn to God in our disappointment. Partly to make up for the failed trip, the next week Casey took the kids to her folks. During that time, I over did it a little bit, which caused pain in my lungs, which led me to take some pain medication with codeine in it, which caused me to just about pass out in a crowded restaurant at lunch time, which prompted the manager to call an ambulance, which led to my second ER visit in as many weeks.

So, I think I have finally adjusted my expectations to be a little more in line with reality. I have taken to heart all the lectures from my friends about over-doing it. I am admitting that the radiation is taking its toll on me. I am back to taking a nap when I am tired and I have found a better way to deal with the pain than codeine. We are still very weary, but my last day of radiation is scheduled for Monday July 13th. I know that if God has carried us this far, he will see us through.

1 comment:

  1. I am so thankful for your update. I have been following your blog, and when I hadn't seen a post in awhile...well I was worried. I am so glad that although the road has been rough, that you are okay. I know it is hard to embrace this new normal. Give yourself a break and take care of yourself. It's the best gift you can give your family. I'll be counting down the days with you until July 13th. God bless you...Amy Rostvold Ahrens